Gregarious Expressions

Is it feasible to say,
“I know what I’m doing is wrong, but to not do it is even more wrong, so until another option emerges, c’est la vie?”
Or is that just cowardice and a desperate attempt to justify ethically-flawed behavior?

Does it make sense to say,
“I deserve better but I’m not into deprivation either, so I’ll take what I can get for now until a better offer comes along?
And is this reasonable compromise or settling for less than I deserve?

Don’t want to undercut myself but is pricing myself out of the market any more honorable?

Who sets the fair market value of a freewheeling 43-year-old divorced under-employed female writer/artist mother of two teenage girls in 2015?

-ag

“It’s about the terror … the terror of being found out.”
“…we all have ticking away within us something we fear will badly harm our reputation if it got out. Maybe our secret is actually nothing horrendous. Maybe nobody would even consider it a big deal if it was exposed, but we can’t take that risk so we keep it buried. Maybe it’s a work inpropriety or maybe it’s just a feeling that at any moment we’ll blurt something out during some important meeting that will prove to everyone that we aren’t proper professional people or, in fact, functional human beings.
I think even in these days of significant over-sharing we keep this particular terror concealed like people used to do with things like masturbation before everybody suddenly got blasé about it online. With masturbation nobody cares where as our reputation – it’s everything.”

 Panic used to be my default mode.

Focusing my fear on what wasn’t there,

I would have been sobbing and shaking, blaming and cursing

Before I found the inspiration

to realize that a cup of rice, some frozen spinach, and a little cheese go a long way.

How a little smoked paprika

can almost make it gourmet.

Cut the bad spots off this ripe tomato

and chop that up too.

All these years living in the scarcity economy

have taught you to make delicious out of nothing.

You taught yourself to work from scratch,

like your grandmothers used to do.

Not just for pride

Or less preservatives

Or on principal

but so you could weather days like these,

feeding on faith between pay checks

Whipping together meals out of whatever’s left.

A little salt and some garlic …

If you weren’t so hungry after yoga

you could have waited for the dried beans to cook.

Thrown those in the pot, too,

wrap it all up in a tortilla

like that’s what you meant to do all along

like this is what you would have cooked

even if you had other choices.

But you were that hungry.

Yoga always leaves you hungry

but not starving.

You will never starve.

Even if your own ingenuity were to fail,

you have nourished too many people.

Even though you always used to feel like it wasn’t enough

were always left wanting to do more,

to give more

to be more

(Maybe even stop writing about yourself in the second person —

Claim your life with an I; 

identify with yourself.)

Today, I am full on the belief that

we have grown too much love

to let each other suffer senselessly.

-ag

“It got dark real slow and then real fast at the end, the way it always did, even in the summer, like daylight realized it had to be somewhere right away. Somewhere else.”

-From “Origin Story,” Get in Trouble: stories by Kelly Link

The wind had died down, she noticed, and the water was so smooth now, it was as if a maid had come in to make the bed, stretching out the sheets with flat precision.

“Did you ever notice how fireflies rise up when they glow?” she asked, scooting a little closer to him and pointing at one, though by the time her finger extended the rising had ceased and the bug’s light had already dimmed.

“Oh yeah. We always called them lightning bugs.”

“We did, too, sometimes. That’s one of those things. I don’t think I ever made my my mind to pick just one.”

“So what is it, you think? Like a mating call, probably.”

“It’s the male signaling to the female. And if she doesn’t flash back the right pattern, he won’t fly to her. There are all different signals, flashing patterns. There are 2,000 kinds of fireflies.”

“No way. That’s crazy.”

“That’s what I read somewhere. They’re beetles. This one kind imitates the flash of another species or whatever to attract the males, and then they eat them. Femme fatale fireflies.”

“Huh. You never hear about male bugs eating the females, do you?”

She knew he was kidding. It’s not like male humans were so harmless. She wanted to lean in and kiss him on the cheek, breathe in his scent, but he was still too far away. So she poked him in the side just under the ribs. He folded a little in surpise.

“We used to count them, the flashes. And when you reached 100 you could make a wish,” he said, searching for her eyes in the dark. “I usually lost count though. ADHD. What did you used to wish for when you made wishes?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I believed they would come true.”

“Oh come on. When you were little?”

“I don’t remember. I didn’t want things like that, to be rich or famous or a princess or anything. I just wanted friends. Not to be ugly.  Maybe some clothes that didn’t come from the bargain basement of Hess’s. I wanted my Mom to be happy.”

“You didn’t want to go to outer space or live in a castle or ride a unicorn or something?”

“Are you kidding? No. I didn’t believe in fantasy. That’s what books were for. I could tell the difference.”

“So what do you want now? If you were going to make a wish?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Just pick something. You wanna go to Paris? You want a theater, don’t you? Wish for that.”

“It’s silly. I’ve spent most of my life trying not to think about what I want. It’s not like I’m ever going to get it.”

She untied the knot of hair from the top of her head and let it fall down over her neck and across her shoulders, combing through it with her fingers. She should have brought her sweatshirt down her to the dock. She forgot how cold it got here when the sun went down.

“You’re so dramatic.” She could hear his smirk.

“You’re so patronizing,” she countered.

“Don’t get mad. It’ll be a long weekend if you’re mad at me. I think it’s cute.”

“Cute.”

“What could you possibly want so bad that you can’t have? That it would hurt you to dream?”

“I don’t know.” She did not want to get annoyed. “What’s wrong with this moment right here, right now?”

“Nothing. This is great.”

“This lake was always my favorite place in the world. At least that’s what I used to say if anyone asked. My happiest memories were here. Not doing much of anything – digging in the dirt making clay pots, taking walks and picking berries, swimming for hours – just floating out there on my back in the middle of the lake. Waking up before everyone else and watching the mist slowly retreat as the sun rose higher. Reading old pulpy paperbacks that someone left behind in the ’60s. I love it here. And now you are here with me. We are here. What else could I possibly ever want again for the rest of my life? It just doesn’t matter.”

“OK.” He took her hand but didn’t say anything else.

“Do you remember when we went to Manhattan that first time and we didn’t do anything?”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“No. We walked around Central Park. And ate from that food cart outside the Natural History Musuem. But we didn’t go inside. You kept asking me what I wanted to do, but it didn’t matter. I said, whatever you wanted. Because I didn’t want to pay attention to art or exhibits or whatever. I just wanted to be there with you.  Walking next to you, catching your eye as often as I could without staring. I didn’t want to learn about history. There was still so much I didn’t know about you. But I didn’t know how to act. I guess I was nervous. But it was like a nervous excitement. I couldn’t think. I just needed you to tell me what to do.”

He gave her hand a light squeeze. “And then I started to feel sick. I shouldn’t have eaten that hot dog.”

“And so we just got tea and went home. And I was happy. Just to be there. We drove into that unbelievable sunset. I can’t picture it. I wish I could remember better. I just remember it was amazing, like we only get a few sunsets like that and that was one of them.”

“I remember.”

“I wouldn’t have picked that day- I mean, I wouldn’t have dreamed it. But it happened in the quirky unimaginable way that life happens and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“Like this moment now, here in the dark by the lake,” he said, releasing her hand and slapping a mosquito on his arm as if for emphasis or punctuation. “We should go back before it gets even darker. I should have brought a flashlight.”

He stood and reached down for her. She gathered her skirt in her left hand and accepted his help. She could barely see his face.

“I’ll go first,” she said. “Stay close.”

She stepped carefully like they did on those sunrise hikes at camp, knowing the dock was straight and there was nothing to trip over, as long as they took their time. They would reach the grassy field and then the campsite where they might light a fire. Or was he tired? They could just climb inside the sleeping bags they had left zipped open inside the tent like a twin-size and call it a day.

“This is a really great moment, too.” she agreed. “Except I did dream this one. Well, something sort of just like this.”

-ag

(You know how they say, “a penny for your thoughts?” I had this crazy idea to make a dollar by sharing 100 of them. Thoughts, that is. So here’s a little day in the life on one track of my brain. -ag)

1 You don’t really want to know what I’m thinking.

2 Some of it is just too juicy and the pulpy nectar will run down your chin and stain your shirt and then you’ll be dirty like my mind is dirty a lot of the time and I’m probably going to spend the rest of this list writing about all the other things I think about other than those things because porn is personal.

3 Other times my thoughts are just boring, like what’s a better word for boring? Or what am I really trying to say and how can I cut that down into 140 characters?

4 Because I spend a lot of time reading other people’s tweets in between the few I actually write myself and so all those thoughts creep into my thoughts. So I must think a lot about other people’s thoughts.

5 Sometimes I want to know he’s thinking, but not the specifics just so much that does he think of me some of the time, that maybe I pass through his mind a fraction of the time that he passes through mine.

6 The past pops up now and then, a memory of a moment that had been cast aside or settled to the bottom because we can’t keep all that experience front and center all the time or our heads would explode.

7 I wish I wasn’t so vain, like when I’m talking to you hoping the bags under my eyes aren’t too awful today and my teeth aren’t too yellow and always wanting to be thinner and tall and more toned and someone you could be proud to be seen next to … It’s not that I need to be beautiful; I just want to be liked. I guess it’s normal to want to be liked.

8 Then there’s that song I can’t get out my head … Except not today. I am certified ear worm free right now.

9 Every day is national (something) day and usually I roll my eyes when I see what today is e.g. National Beer Day. Come on. Do we really need a day for that?

10 All the things I try not to think about: mostly money and bills and the other women that maybe you like(d) more than me and people suffering all over the world and injustice and all the unexpected challenges that might pop up at any moment – sickness, calamity, death and destruction, etc.

11 I probably shouldn’t have eaten all that breakfast and what can I do to work that off and maybe I’ll just skip dinner because I’m hungry early in the day but could take it or leave it later.

12 How long will it take for this lotion I put on my legs to sink in because I can’t stop rubbing my legs together and that probably looks weird?

13 I really should have finished that script a long time ago.

14 What did I get myself into this time and how am I going to pull this off?

15 Why am I doing this instead of that? I really need to get around to doing that.

16 I hope my mom sister daughter father friend etc. is doing OK. I should probably check on them.

17 Why does the idea of making a phone call make me so anxious, still, after all this time?

18 I’ve got to take a picture of that. Hold on.

19 I really need to go to the dentist. I really need to order that birth certificate. I really need to figure out how to make more money or cut down some bills or something.

20 Am I ever going to drive a car again?

21 Why is everything so expensive? Especially insurance. And utility bills. And I don’t understand all this financial shit. Money isn’t even real.

22 God, I hate commercials.

23 And that’s another book I want to read. I will never read them all.

24 Wouldn’t it be nice to take a vacation and actually go somewhere else for a little while – like maybe even leave the country.

25 I hope I haven’t given up on simple dreams and settled for less than I might experience just because I had to stop desiring things I couldn’t have or it might kill me.

26 I can’t believe I’m so happy and at peace today.

27 Man, is Jason Silva so freaking adorable.

28 I really miss her. I hope she doesn’t hate me.

29 My life is so much better now that I don’t drink and/or drug.

30 I could really use a massage.

31 I would so buy him/her that if I had the money.

32 But there are things more important than things and the people worth having in my life love me for the things I give them that money, can’t buy right? Because I must be doing something for them, right, or they wouldn’t want me around anymore.

33 Why do I always wish I could do more or that what I’m doing doesn’t count, isn’t enough?

34 Are those really the same thought and I just stretched them into two because I’m suddenly like, “What was I thinking making a list of 100 thoughts? I’ve got real work to do and no one really fucking cares so is this that weird procrastination thing you do or a legitimate experiment and now you know you’re just talking to yourself, right?”

35 Norman Fischer spoke of streams of thought because “a past thought cannot be found nor can a future thought be found because consciousness is unfindable… it is empty you can’t hold a piece of consciousness and say, “There is is – I’ve got it.” And that’s more a direct quote than a thought but it’s interesting that we can think other people’s thoughts.

36 Is there a word for that?

37 I can’t believe I have to pee again already? I wonder what the normal number of times a person pees in a day. Is there even a standard for that. No, I will not google urination frequency.

38 Why do I suddenly have these allergy symptoms for only the second time in my life? At least I think it’s allergies. Is something unusual growing? Bring it on, at least it’s spring. I love spring.

39 Do people really care about sports so much or does it just give them something else to think about besides all the mundane boring shit that goes on in their minds? Also, it’s good for bonding with others and that kind of thing. Also the entertainment value. Also identification with something larger than self. (That reminds me of George Saunders.)

40 I can’t believe it’s this time of the day, this day of the week, this month of the year already. Remember when you were a kid and Sundays seemed to last a year and now we’re afraid to blink or life will be over and we will have missed it. FOMO.

41 Woo-hoo, we’re back on (inside office joke, we’re not even sure what it means but it happens like twice a work day and so how could I not mention that?)

42 OMG that picture is terrible. I can’t believe they think we would run that in the paper. How could they not know?

43 That’s really funny. I love smart people. Like I’m so glad John Oliver is a thing.

44 Why do people care about distant celebrities so much more than the people right next to them?

45 Who died?

46 God, help me to be a better, stronger person and think more positive, productive thoughts and less self-destructive negative ones and keep taking steps toward reaching my potential.

47 Do you think anyone in this office cares that I’m wearing sneakers with a skirt?

48 Really sad that I missed that event. I bet it was a great time and I like those people and wish I could have been there to support them but I can’t be everywhere and take care of myself and they probably didn’t even notice I wasn’t there so I how much do I want to beat myself up here? I should feel good about what I can do and just keep trying to do the best I can with what I have to work with.

49 Ugh. I wish I would have known about that sooner.

50 I feel like I’m being taken advantage of/disrespected again but I’m sure that wasn’t the intention and does this minor detail really matter in the grand scheme of things? I should probably just let karma handle it and give him/her the benefit of the doubt because getting upset about it is only going to hurt me more and put me at a greater disadvantage and certainly not make anything any better.

51 Ok. Buckle down now, you really need to get X, Y, and Z done before lunch.

52 I love Scranton. I wish these people knew how special they and this place are.

53 Why can’t I just have a theater? I really miss having a place to work. And not just for myself but for all the other cool artists who have something to say. Would that be so outrageous? Who doesn’t just want that chance to really see what they might accomplish if they didn’t have to fight so hard for the materials and space and resources to do it?

54 Cats are so cute.

55 I can’t get over how amazing the Internet is. There is so much incredible art and literature and ideas out there and so much is so accessible if not free. The 21st Century is a fucking amazing time to be alive.

56 Oh, now that’s an embarrassing mistake. I can’t believe I did that. I really need to slow down or be more careful or … whatever … everybody makes mistakes. Let it go.

57 Noticing how many times I tell myself to “let it go” in a day. That’s good, I guess. No wonder I feel better these days than I used to when I didn’t notice my thoughts. This is why meditation is the universal prescription. Thank you, Zen.

58 I really am grateful. I really do hope I can do good be good give back deserve the good fortune and kindnesses etc. I have been giving. I could complain about all the things I’ve wanted and haven’t gotten but really, those things don’t matter nearly as much as all the rewarding difficult joyful emotional challenging inspiring wondrous life I have been given the opportunity to experience. I could fucking cry if I think about it all right now.

59 That Sontag quote: “Time exists in order that everything doesn’t happen all at once … and space exists so that it doesn’t all happen to you.”

60 I can’t get over that creepy Scientology documentary – the insane and unhealthy things people are willing/susceptible to believe because … ? This is why I’m still thinking about this. The why.

61 Really having trouble concentrating today … my mind is rebellious and does not want to be disciplined. It wants to play and run free and go outside.

62 There’s totally something I was supposed to do that I’m forgetting about.

63 Oh hey, my birthday is coming up soon. I wonder if I’m doing anything. Birthdays are so embarrassing. I mean, it would suck if everyone forgot about you and no one cared, but sometimes I wish I could just duck that attention bullet.

64 I just cut a couple of sentences maybe I shouldn’t have cut.

65 I spend a lot of time deleting spam. It’s not even good anymore. I should probably just start batch deleting and save myself some time. But every once in a while there’s something good in there …

66 I hate making decisions about things that don’t really matter one way or another.

67 Is it lunch time yet? I really need to get out of this chair and walk.

68 Wave of negative paranoia that I’m still delusional and the reality is we’re all just a bunch of needy nobodies breathing air and taking up space not making much of a difference if any in the grand scheme of things and there’s no good reason for me to care so much and try so hard —

69 — Just got good news of someone else’s happiness and that makes me happy and wow, I’m so glad that negative thought of just a moment ago got cut off like that.

70 I’m so glad I can look forward to simple things like an afternoon phone call. Even though sometimes the calls make me miss the the walks we used to take, but now we take walks at different times and in the park instead of downtown and we share meals and other things … so there’s no reason for nostalgia except it’s nice to remember nice moments. And yesterday is how we got to today and you should never forget where you came from.

71 I might be too ambitious for my own good. Definitely an over-achiever. 100 thoughts, for real? What was I thinking? (Heh heh, see what I did there?) Yeah, now I’m just getting stupid. I wonder if anyone else thought of the same thing and is crazy enough to try it.

72 Paying this close attention to my thoughts is starting to make me feel a little insecure.

73 Oh, look more really cool jobs in the arts I like to think I might quality for and could apply for if I lived in Chicago or Los Angeles, etc. But then I probably wouldn’t be able to find the time or desire to do completely pointless “art” projects like listing 100 thoughts anymore so I should just be happy where I am here in The Electric City because the grass isn’t any greener given pros and cons of everything.

74 Isn’t it nice when someone seems legitimately interested in something you’re doing that you’re not quite sure about … say listing 100 random thoughts fora not so random example? It sure helps counter that insecurity thing.

75 I thought it was super cool that Camille put an owl sticker on my coffee cup and then I remembered my sister pointing out that people like big owls eyes because they subconsciously remind them of breasts and now I’m starting to question my whole owl collection.

76 Quinoa, black bean and sweet potato bowl for lunch again. Glad this is the last one I made because I get sick of eating the same thing over and over again even when it’s something I like. I wonder what I’m going to make for dinner.

77 Seeing a lot of mentions of morels lately. Kinda makes me want morels.

78 Resilience is totally a buzz word right now.

79 Isabel Allende says if you just keep showing up to write eventually the muse will show up too. And isn’t that kind of what this whole experiment is about. If I list 100 thoughts maybe one of them will be inspired. And it isn’t any less certain than Waiting for Godot. May as well pass the time somehow. Plus I find the physical act of generating words in the void in itself is soothing. Words are cheap and there are so many of them out there already but tell that to the all the plants and herbs and flowers growing everywhere and so similarly. Are any of them less desirable because other plants exist? Keep the water and sunshine and nutrients coming. Let’s keep photosynthesizing. Don’t worry about making too many cells. You can prune later. Just grow with all your heart.

80 Sometimes when it rains I remember living in Tucson and how rainy days were a fabulous romantic break in the monotony of sunshine — east coast nostalgia — and made me want to skip work and go sit in a coffeeshop and write poetry and then I can still feel that same excitement as if it didn’t rain all the time in Scranton.

81 Do I get excited too easily? That’s a stupid question, isn’t it? Remembering last night talking about how I am already excited about going to Farmers’ Markets and buying and slicing and smelling and tasting fresh vegetables even though we’ve still got months to wait. Is that patience? It will be here before we know it. And then gone again so soon. Who was it that said “patience is not waiting for anything”? I want to say Norman Fisher but … Google only says Andrew Taggert, Ph.D. but that can’t be where I heard it because I never heard of him. I mention this because on the same page Taggert also says “The courageous one smiles with torn lips.” I really like that one too.

82 Funny how one thought leads to the next thought so quickly and its hard to tell where one thought stops and the next thought begins.

83 On the notebook where I scribbled out the idea to make this list it looks like I wrote “100 – a penis for your thoughts.”

84 I read a quote from Marguerite Duras from Hiroshima Mon Amour on tumblr: “I think about you. But I don’t say it anymore.” Sometimes it’s best to keep thoughts to yourself. Sometimes thoughts, like dreams, don’t mean anything. They just are. There’s no reason to sound the alarm. Just let them come and go. It’s the thoughts that won’t go away that you have to do something about. The ones that keep coming back. The puzzle that demands to be solved.

85 Thank God for spell check.

86 That thing when you’re afraid to say yes to one thing that’s OK even though its not really ideal because the something better you really want might come along and then what do you do? And then you feel bad for wanting something badly enough that it might make you act rude or callous or selfish which is silly because you learned a long time ago that ‘the heart wants what it wants — or else it does not care’ as Emily Dickinson wrote.

87 And though I’m not always sure how to respond to a compliment, it is usually nice to get good feedback. Especially when it’s for a job well done and not just “looking good in that dress.”

88 Apparently I have several thoughts thst repeat throughout the day. At least today. Trying not to be redundant.

89 It’s cold in my house. I don’t do well in the cold. Don’t do anything. Curl up under a blanket and try to get warm, craving the heat of another body until the bones stop shivering and I feel restless in a productive way again.

90 Yeah, so i’m not cooking. Eating a gift sandwich. Well, maybe I’ll just eat half. Wouldn’t you? Getting really lazy really fast. The rest of this list could be a disappointment. I hate disappointing people. A lot of my thoughts today were work related, obviously, but those seem to run on another track. Like this was the sidetrack literally on the side of my screen. Now that I’m home it’s like my thinking got turned down?

91 Asking Francie (17) not to yell at me again. When I was a kid my mom was the one who yelled and now that I’m the mom the kid is the one who yells. Maybe it’s me. I must respond to it?

92 So I don’t watch a lot of at TV but half the time I do, Francie walks in and boom there’s suddenly a sex scene on and so she thinks that’s all I watch. Sure, I probably could have assumed something called The Affair on Showtime would have it’s racy moments, but it got good reviews and it’s free on Watchathon week. Of course I was curious. Oh well, back to reading with the Al Jazeera news on in the background.

93 Francie also wants to know why it’s so hot in here. Haha. Because it was so cold two hours ago. We can find a happy medium. Except she’s never happy. She’s here for half an hour between friends – one dropped her off, another is on the way to pick her up before long and I have to stop what I’m doing to get yelled at for a half an hour. And find out things like, oh yeah, by the way, I’m going to New York City tomorrow on a drama club field trip.

94 She wants to know what/why I’m typing. Thinks it’s “cute” that I do projects like this. Talked so fast, constantly demanding my attention it took 10 minutes to type this sentence. She said she thinks the neighbor is raping and killing kids and there must be something wrong with her head like she probably has a brain tumor. And she’s gone. What just happened? She’s got to be kidding.

95 My arm hurts from where I gave blood yesterday. It’s all bruised from where they had to turn the needle when the flow slowed down. The first time that ever happened – I’m usually such a good little O negative bleeder.

96 Wait, why did they lock up these women activists in China? Picking quarrels and provoking troubles? And they’re facing five years in prison for that. At least people are protesting that bullshit.

97 Getting so tired so fast and I’m so close to finishing this list. I can get to 100 before I put on an audiobook to rest my tired eyes – staring at a screen all day takes its toll- and then promptly doze off. I mean probably. Just speaking from experience.

98 My final thoughts seem to be centering on the things I think I should have done but didn’t – exercise, because the 35 + 25 minutes of walking does not feel like it was enough. The dishes, not used tonight but still there from the weekend. I wasn’t home last night, but still. And that pendant I’m supposed to find in the studio- will I remember in the morning?

99 Just realized my voicemail greeting didn’t transfer over to the new phone and Francie came home for another 10 minute pit stop while I was trying to record a new one and she she just thought that was hilarious. So I recorded a greeting that said she was laughing at me and now everything I say sounds stupid. And she liked that but of course it wouldn’t save and now I’m in some kind of war with voice mail and this is not how I want to go out today.

100 Hey, so it looks like I finished this list and I fixed the voice mail problem so I can go to bed with a clear conscience. Except that I totally do not have it in me to proof read this right now. So I’m just going to go ahead and post this monster unedited, typos and all, because you’re not really going to read this anyway are you? God bless you if you did. I hope you got something out of it. I think I did.

(fin)

You could blame the Pa. turnpike-

The throbbing monotony of the Northeast extension.

There had been times the anxiety of the drive

Forced me to pull over,

my heart beating too fast

unable to catch my breath.

Human beings were not meant to hurtle

forward through space at 65 mph.

But there was no stopping on Easter Day 2002.

I kept driving.

We had taken separate cars.

He left mom’s the day before “to check the mail,”

as if he had stopped trying to cover his suspicious tracks

with the pretense of logical excuse,

now just leaving the lies laying around in the open

like other husbands might toss sweaty work clothes

anywhere but the hamper

or not put dirty dishes in the sink.

I kept driving though the tears.

Hadn’t seen this downpour coming;

didn’t know I was so unhappy,

that the unhappiness had metastasized to this fatal stage.

(When was the last time I even thought about myself?

Too busy trying to be a good

journalist activist playwright volunteer friend

mother to the two little girls in the back seat

who didn’t understand why Mommy suddenly couldn’t stop crying.)

Mommy didn’t even understand why Mommy was crying.

I hadn’t realized I had given up on being a wife

until that moment after the Hickory Run Plaza,

driving stick straight into a destiny I couldn’t imagine-

A blown-up life about to be defined

by haunting insecurity and reckless self-discovery,

swimming instinctively to a precarious shore

with two kids on my back

as their father’s leaking ship continued

a slow disintegrating descent

to his toxic dead beat bottom. 

-ag

 Following you up the stairs

down the narrow hallway in the dark,

it’s easy to trust you know this space.

You will not let me come to harm.

I am safe in the affirming grasp of your hand

the aura of warm energy surrounding your body 

flowing into mine.

I can put one foot in front of the other,

abandon myself to each step’s risk.

And then we will face each other without eyes

with only our hands to compensate

as layers of social propriety are shed

we rely on touch to navigate this continued exploration

of our most private landscapes

taking direction from instinct and primal sound cues.

I have lived my life too much in the light; 

come to depend on its proofs. 

It’s only logical to see what you’re getting into to …

Look before you leap!

And isn’t it brave to be honestly aware of what’s there

(and maybe what’s missing.)

All that vision, yet I wouldn’t have suspected

this blind faith of yours could be so charming.

I knew so little of the power in surrender,

the ecstasy of confidence in letting go of the crutch

I hadn’t realized I relied on for so long.

Those too bright years

watching the delusion of control

play out in broad daylight.

The false sense of security lifted

only when you turned off the light

and encouraged my soul to see.

-ag

April 4, 2015